Eli's adopted! chants hurt, but the truth does that sometimes.

GLENDALE, Ariz. – The New England Patriots capped their perfect season with an almost perfect but incredibly boring run at Super Bowl XXXXII, prompting many viewers to change the channel and watch reruns of “M*A*S*H.”

According to the latest Nielsen ratings, nearly 10.8 million viewers stopped watching the game after the first half in which Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady threw four touchdown passes to help the team to a 35-0 lead. About half of those disgusted viewers switched over to watch reruns of “M*A*S*H,” while the other half probably watched porn or played Madden NFL 08, based on an informal survey conducted by USA Tomorrow News.

“Seriously, it was so predictable,” said Joe Dicker, a New Jersey-native and a self-proclaimed New York Jets fan who spent the week in Phoenix writing “Eli Sux” in public spaces. “But I got to see Eli cry like a baby, and that was pretty awesome.”

Brady and wide receiver Randy Moss were unsurprisingly responsible for the majority of the touchdowns, although Brady said their success came as a bit of a shock to him.

“I didn’t think we were that awesome,” Brady said as he flashed his pearly whites and brushed his movie-star hair. “I can’t help it if I’m good looking and the best quarterback in the history of football. But good looks and awesome hair doesn’t win football games – teamwork does, and there’s no hair in teamwork.”

Brady credited the Patriots defensive line that shut down Giants Quarterback Eli Manning, frustrating Manning to the point that he complained to the officials that the linemen were “touching (him) inappropriately.”
After a booth review, the referees told Manning to “quit being such a whiny bastard and grow some balls.”

Manning – who has been credited to bringing new life to a team that was a question mark going into the Playoffs – later threw a temper tantrum in the third quarter when wide receiver Plaxico Buress tripped on an errant shoelace and missed an easy catch on a third down.

Manning took off his helmet, threw it into the goal post and screamed “If Peytie can, why can’t I?” – an obvious reference to older brother Peyton Manning, who lead the Indianapolis Colts to a Super Bowl victory the previous year.

He had to be calmed down on the sidelines with a “Priceless Pep Talk From Peyton Manning” that Head Coach Tom Coughlin downloaded on his iPhone.
“I guess I was just frustrated,” Eli Manning said at the post-game press conference. “We kept having these third downs and couldn’t convert. I wasn’t mad at Plaxico, just the shoelace. Why was it untied? Why? I don’t know.”
Following the meltdown – which came on the heels of three straight interceptions from Manning and two more touchdowns for the Patriots – Coughlin sent backup quarterback Anthony Wright into the game for what seemed like a pointless attempt to convert on a fourth down. The tactic worked and resulted in a 45-yard field goal from Lawrence Tynes, who had been hailed as the hero of the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers for his 47-yard OT field goal that clinched the game.

Reports from the field said that Manning, still on the sidelines, stomped his feet, stuck his tongue out at Tynes and called him a “scene-stealing asshole.”
By the middle of the fourth quarter with the Patriots leading 49-3, there was no one left in the stadium who gave a shit about the game. The game was so boring at that point that Fox commentators Howie Long and Jimmy Johnson started singing “This is the Game That Never Ends” in an effort to keep viewers interested.

Categories: Sports
Tags: