New York Governor Paterson Admits To Being Shooter On Grassy Knoll
 www.harlemfur.com |
| New York Gov. David Paterson announces he was the shooter on the grassy knoll during the assassination of Pres. Kennedy in 1963. |
Continuing Vow To “Come Clean,” Says He Accidentally Assassinated Kennedy, Used To Eat Cats
March 28 — New York governor David Paterson, following recent admissions of extramarital affairs and drug use, disclosed to reporters yesterday that he also used to steal and eat neighborhood cats, robbed several banks in the 1980s, inspired the dance moves for the “Macarena,” and participated in the Kennedy assassination.
“Oh, and I’m pretty sure I’m Bigfoot,” Paterson announced to a stunned press corps.
Paterson admitted he was in Dallas’s Dealey Plaza on Nov. 22, 1963, trying to earn his Boy Scout merit badge in target shooting. Paterson, who was 9 at the time and legally blind, said he was “unaware there was a parade going on,” and took aim at what looked like a bird.
“I swear to God,” Paterson said, “I thought Kennedy’s head was a robin.”
The newly appointed governor, who took office following former governor Eliot Spitzer’s prostitute-sex scandal, said he wanted to “come clean” on all his past misdeeds, in order to spare the state “any further grief.”
Some think he’s taken the idea to an extreme.
“Fuck a duck, who is this guy?” said state Sen. Barry Acklmeyer. “I mean, we all do stupid things when we’re young, but we don’t tell everybody about them. And the shit he’s done … he’s like Forrest Gump’s evil twin or something.”
‘Poor thinking’
Paterson formally apologized for his past actions, including eating several cats in the Long Island neighborhood he lived in while attending college.
“It was a tough time. I was going to school, I didn’t have lots of money, and I was snorting coke two, three times a day,” Paterson said. “Looking back on it now, yes, trapping, skinning and barbecuing my neighbors’ pets was poor thinking. But it was cheaper than a university meal plan.”
Paterson showed the same remorse when it came to his spree of armed robberies during the early 80s.
“What can I say, law school’s expensive. I had to pay tuition somehow. Don’t get the wrong idea — bank robbing is hard work. Especially when you’re legally blind. Sometimes I’d walk inside, shout ‘Nobody move, this is a bank robbery!’ … and I’d be in the bakery next door.”
Asked to explain how he could be the legendary mythical creature Bigfoot, Paterson waves his hand and rolls his eyes.
“Oh, that. I was camping with my family in the Poconos in ‘67, when nature called. Now, I was a pretty hirsute teen, and on this particular occasion I didn’t have time to put any clothes on. What? Oh, I was naked because my family used to play a game called Naked Tag. Grandma was particularly good at it. Anyway, I really had to go, so I loped off into the woods to do my business. I didn’t know it, but there were a couple guys with a Super 8 filming me. It wasn’t until years later when I saw the footage that I thought, ‘Hang on, that’s just me going number two.’”
Healing process
State leaders are reeling from the rapid succession of new scandals, and aren’t sure where to go from here.
“He seemed like such a nice guy,” said Assembly Minority Leader and former Spitzer adversary James Tedisco. “After that cocksucker motherfucker Spitzer showed his true colors, I thought Paterson would help heal some old wounds. But how can we do that now? He invented the ‘Macarena,’ for Christ’s sake!”
During the press conference, however, Tedisco told Paterson he was willing to work through this rough patch and forgive the governor’s discretions.
“As long as you haven’t had sex with any hookers lately,” Tedisco laughed.
“No, no,” Paterson chuckled. “Well, not live hookers, anyway.”
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