McCain to be outraged at next week’s USA Tomorrow article about alleged affair
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| Republican presidential candidate John McCain is seen peeking out a motel room window on January 15, 2000 |
Republican presidential front-runner John McCain is predicted to become outraged at a report in an upcoming issue of USA Tomorrow that he had sexual intercourse with a donkey on multiple occasions during his failed White House bid in 2000.
“These accusations will be disgusting, and I’m planning on denying them,” McCain said today at a news conference with wife and non-quadruped Cindy by his side.
The article will come maybe a week or so after McCain defended himself from a New York Times article that quoted former staff members as saying the Arizona senator had a romantic affair with a Washington lobbyist during the same time period.
The USA Tomorrow article, which is still being kicked around by staffers, will probably be based on witness testimony as well. We plan on finding photographic evidence, too. Totally legit stuff; no Photoshop.
The story will likely say that McCain became enamored of a mule named Sally while stumping in South Carolina back in 1999. The two will have met at a campaign rally, and forged an unlikely friendship, which will then have lead to McCain stumping Sally.
McCain said he recalls meeting several donkeys while campaigning in South Carolina, the first state to give large farm animals the right to vote.
“However, I kept all such interactions on a strictly business basis,” McCain said. “I shook a lot of hooves during that week, kissed a lot of foals, but that’s where it ended. Now that I think about it, I may have had dinner with a couple of lady mules at some fundraiser, but after walking them home, I left.”
The 71-year-old senator has voiced an aversion to Equus asinus in the past, having been exposed to them during his five-and-a-half years spent as a prisoner of war in North Vietnam.
“Back in those prisoner camps, they’d sometimes make us sleep in the donkey pen,” McCain said during an interview USA Tomorrow discovered from 2003. “We’d be subjected to their filth and braying all night. And the sight of their large, furry, sweaty…supple…succulent hindquarters….still haunts me to this day.”
Radio personality and vocal McCain critic Rush Limbaugh has scheduled a complete week to condemning the upcoming scandal.
“This soon-to-be revelation just proves that McCain is not a conservative,” Limbaugh said. “True conservatives don’t have sex with donkeys. If anything, he should’ve nailed an elephant.”
Representatives for USA Tomorrow, which has come under fire since its inception for inaccurate and false stories, will stand by their reporting.
“We here at USA Tomorrow only write well-researched, factual stories,” said editor-in-chief Bradshaw Banks. “We are completely unbiased. If McCain wants to tap some fine ass…we aren’t going to judge. We’re just here to report.”
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