Kucinich makes un-startling revelation
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WASHINGTON — Congressman Dennis Kucinich made on Wednesday what he thought would be a startling revelation to his home state and the nation: he’s in fact a Keebler Elf.
The Ohio Democrat was tearful as he made the announcement at Hyde Park in a Cincinnati suburb, in front of a tree strikingly similar to that of the elves famous for their Fudge Shoppe cookies and other treats.
“It is with firm resolve that I stand behind my heritage,” Kucinich said. “I thought that if people knew I grew up making goodies, they wouldn’t take me seriously.”
But Kucinich – whose past presidential bids have garnered smirks and laughter in Washington, despite his principled stands against the War in Iraq and in favor of impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney – failed to surprise anyone.
“That’s like Bill O’Reilly confessing that he’s a loudmouth asshole,” said MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews, laughing with his mouth wide open. Matthews then continued his segment on whether Hillary Clinton would be a raging bitch as president or let her husband run the country.
Kucinich’s colleagues were more solemn, but similarly unsurprised.
“If you look, on the cookie itself, you can kind of see it,” Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Massachusetts, said. “I love them, myself. Great after-sex-with-prostitutes food.”
Still, the confession will alter the official record. Kucinich was previously said to be the son of a truck driver and homemaker – a prominent fable being that the family moved often and Kucinich had to find affordable apartments for them to stay.
As it turns out, Kucinich himself forged numerous residency records to make it difficult for the public to discover the truth..
And yet, Kucinich spoke fondly of his childhood in the Keebler tree.
“I remember when Grand Papa – Ernie the Elf, I cannot say it now, thank God – used to let us dip into the big fudge vat for a taste,” he said. “It was scrumptious.”
Cheney scoffed at that remark in particular.
“Elves are little girly pussies,” Cheney said. “If I was going to confess that I was not a human, I would be a big, muscular troll. But of course, I am a human. No, honestly.”
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