If this story were a news obit, it'd say Bono wasn't above appealing to right-wing leaders such as President Bush on such causes as fighting AIDS in Africa and economic relief for the Third World. The caption kicker would be "With or Without You."

An illustrious career as one of a rock ‘n’ roll’s premier superstars apparently isn’t enough for U2’s Bono.

As the frontman for the seminal Irish band sees it, one crucial component eludes him — a tragic and glorious premature death.

“As life-defining statements go, ‘consistently top-selling socially conscious artist’ and ’shining beacon of hope for the less fortunate’ are all well and good,” Bono said. “But you’re not really immortal until a news anchor sobs ‘beloved icon’ to footage of thousands of distraught teenagers holding pictures of you at a candlelight vigil in Central Park.”

The matter has taken on great urgency for the middle-aged Bono, who fears his looming 50th birthday, less than 2 years away, as the dividing line between “a life cut short” and “aging rocker finally kicks it.” Concerned friends say he’s become increasingly obsessed with the time and manner of his death.

Options under his consideration include the following:

Suicide: Scenarios range from a Marilyn Monroe-style drug overdose under a cloud of mystery that fuels conspiracy theories (and album sales) to a Kurt Cobain no-doubter. However, suicide may be the least viable means to posthumous glory as few people would believe a man so in love with himself to be capable of self-destructive behavior. “This is a man who loves watching himself pour a glass of orange juice,” said a friend who only gave his first name of “Adam.” “The tormented-soul factor just isn’t there.”

A plane crash: “About 10 years ago, the band’s Gulfstream lost one of its engines, and we had to make an emergency landing,” said “Larry,” another of Bono’s confidantes. “From what I understand, we were never in serious danger, but looking over at Bono, I could tell the wheels were turning. Walking off the Tarmac, he tried to hide his disappointment that we had survived, like ‘we have so much more music to make,’ but in retrospect, that probably would have been the right time for him to go.”

An assassin’s bullet: “All too frequently these days, whether we’re walking the streets of Phnom Penh or on stage in Stockholm, Bono will look around him and say, ‘Yeah, this would be a good place for it to happen,’” said “David,” another acquaintance. “It’s really creepy. He’s convinced it’ll be a leftist Canadian loner who’s upset over his willingness to meet with controversial figures such as Pope John Paul II or President Bush. Now we’re stuck playing a dozen dates at the Saskatchewan Rough Riders’ football stadium.”

Bono has not yet decided where he will buried, although he’s narrowed it down to Pere Lachaise in Paris or Memphis, Tenn. He is also confident a 32-acre memorial park in central Dublin will honor his memory with gardens, waterfalls and a “peace trail” lined with stones etched with the words “Walk On”.

As his life continues unhampered by substance abuse and unmolested by natural or human disaster, Bono has been forced to consider the possibility of a post-50 passing. Helping him make the adjustment, according to friends, is the 2002 death of punk rock icon Joe Strummer, felled at age 50 by a congenital heart defect.

“Until U2, The Clash were ‘the only band that mattered’,” Bono said. “Pity that Joe couldn’t have died before August, when he was still 49, but the guy was so cool that I’m willing to join him as a fellow rebel rocker who refused to die young.”

Categories: Entertainment, News, Obituaries
Tags: Bono, rock 'n' roll, U2