WASHINGTON – Responding to national security intelligence reports, the Transportation Security Administration issued a series of restrictive rules on transporting humans and Skittles on airplanes.

In what is being called a draconian measure, airline passengers will no longer be allowed to travel on planes if they cannot fit themselves and their belongings in a clear plastic bag not to exceed a quart. Exceptions are made for pregnant women and residents of Wisconsin, who the agency recognizes may require “larger-sized bags,” said TSA Administrator Kip Hawley.

“We have sources that indicate to us that terrorists are traveling disguised as humans,” Hawley said. “This information has been corroborated by several other agencies including the CIA, and we have reason to believe it to be true.”

By restricting passengers to a single plastic quart-sized bag, it will improve the agency’s security screening process and allow TSA agents to easily identify potential suspects, Hawley said.

“When things are in clear plastic bags, it’s just easier to see them,” Hawley said. “People will get used to it once it becomes standard practice.”

Currently, passengers are required to place their liquid items – including gels and aerosols – in clear plastic bags, following the thwarting of a terrorist plot in England that involved smuggled liquids on Aug. 10, 2006. This new rule will go into effect immediately, Hawley said.

News spread like wildfire at Washington’s Dulles International Airport, where angry passengers mobbed the airline desks to find out if they were subject to this law.

“OK, seriously, what’s next – an underwear check?” asked 20-year-old Tad Clemens, a student at Georgetown University. “This is clearly a ploy by the administration to dilute our civil liberties and pander to their donors. Do you know who Bush’s largest campaign contributor was in 2004? That’s right – Ziploc!”

Another passenger eschewed similar fears that this law takes away a person’s choice of what type of plastic bag they can use.

“What if I wanted to use a garbage bag? What’s wrong with that?” asked Sally Featherfield, 39, of Silver Springs. “Or the bag I used to shoplift from Saks Fifth Avenue? What is a democracy if not an agency for choice?”

According to reports from Bloomberg, sales of Ziploc bags have skyrocketed, forcing the plastic bag giant to push its factories in China into a higher gear for manufacturing.

“We are responding to the need of the American consumer,” said a spokesperson for Zip-loc, who denied rumors that the company had been favored by the administration largely because of Vice President Dick Cheney’s personal love of placing m&ms in Ziploc bags and leaving them in undisclosed locations.

In what they are claiming is an unrelated move to both Ziploc bags and m&ms, the TSA also issued a rule that skittles – the fruit-flavored candy favored by most air travelers for its sugary goodness – will also be banned in airports across the country.

“They’re a hazard to everyone,” Hawley said. “People on sugar are as dangerous as people on drugs. Skittles have shown to be especially high in sugar content, and when they melt, they leave little sugary sticky patches on planes. These things are a menace.”

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