To the shock of many, Favre not actually dead
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Green Bay, Wis. – Area residents were perplexed and relieved Thursday when they realized Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre hasn’t actually died.
The apparent confusion stemmed from excessively saccharin media and fan tributes, coupled with the keening mourning call that could be heard echoing through Green Bay Tuesday and Wednesday.
While many realized the deluge of tributes was due to Favre’s retirement, word quickly spread in some circles that Favre had “taken the dirt nap.”
“I’d just assumed, what with the ‘tell us your Favre memories’ solicitations and ‘Favre will be remembered as the greatest’ tributes, that he’d assumed room temperature,” said an astounded Dave VanderBloemen of Suamico. “And the musical montages! Oh the sweet montages!”
It is widely thought diehard Packer backers didn’t realize their mistake sooner because many immediately succumbed to drunken, pass-out, sex-with-strangers, shit-yourself-in-public benders that lasted well into Wednesday.
That, and many are illiterate.
Not all in the Favre-kicked-the-bucket camp reacted by drowning their sorrows, however. Many sought spiritual guidance by attending Wednesday Lenten services at area churches.
Local clergy were dismayed when several parishioners, realizing their mistake, proceeded to draw sacrilegious comparisons between the living Favre and the resurrected Christ.
“I mean, I know the “100 Years to Live” montage was touching,” said the Rev. Alex Blumenthal of St. Ignatius Parish in Ashwaubenon, “but this is ridiculous.”
Among those convinced Favre had “eaten it big time,” the joy of learning he wasn’t dead was short-lived.
“You mean he RETIRED? On PURPOSE?” screamed a shocked Mary Przybylski of Allouez, tearing out her hair in clumps. “IS THERE NO MERCY?”
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