Subway sandwich artists stripped of artist status
 www.townnews.com |
| Great artist or great fraud? |
It had been far too long without justice being served – but today, millions worldwide can celebrate in the recent Supreme Court ruling.
Subway sandwich artists from this day forward will not be allowed to call themselves artists – a title now reserved for actual, er, artists.
It had been an effort noontime lunchers around the world were fighting, sick and tired of constantly having to make the request to “have the lettuce more evenly distributed.”
“I mean, I know they get minimum wage but why for the sweet love of God do they think I want all my pickles in a two-bite radius?” said Rick Johnson, corporate analyst for a company located across the street from a Subway.
The title of sandwich artist was bestowed upon Subway employees in 1990 when a customer asked 15-year-old Subway worker why he insisted on taking “thirty-frickin’ minutes” to make his “goddamn foot-long sandwich.”
The zit-faced, pre-pubescent replied, “I am an artist, who need not be rushed.”
He was later fired for jacking off in one of the lite mayonnaise bottles.
The moniker stuck and from then on Subway marketed the fuck out of calling their employees sandwich artists.
It was then that business took a turn for the worse. Employees nationwide felt belittled by the name and “damned the man” by sloppily mashing together six-inch subs while still taking their sweet ass time.
Overwhelmed by power, employees relished in the fact that customers were helpless to stop the tyranny – thanks to the semi-clean, six-inch sneeze guard.
Those that questioned sandwich artists’ methods were stuck with butt ends of tomatoes, the jalapeño that was mixed in with the green peppers and worst of all, the short end of the bread – when an employee cuts the bread unevenly and insultingly gives you the shorter end.
Enough had become enough and customers fought back – demanding employees be stripped of such a ridiculous title. And today, they got their wish.
“They call themselves sandwich artists, yet they feel the need to put all the meat on one side so I get bites of just bread and mayo,” said chunky attorney Sandra Mullhousen, who eats Subway with extra mayo, extra cheese and double bacon to lose weight. “Maybe I’ll write some nonsense on a web site that predicts the future and call myself a journalist.”
With the success of their first customer vs. chain restaurant lawsuit, the group is planning its next attack – immediate death of Jared, the Subway guy.
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