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In a time when consumers can’t pick up a newspaper or turn on the television without seeing a story on the ever-rising price of gas or helpless staggering economy, an uninformed reader finds validity in the media’s newest form of masturbation.

While parking his Hummer H2 at the local Shell station, Kenny O’Doyle spotted the front page of his local newspaper which read, “Gas prices continue to climb, economy still flat.”

“What?! Are you serious?” O’Doyle gasped while simutaneously filling up his 20-gallon tank. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? I mean, I thought I was paying, like, triple what I normally do for gas but man, if it wasn’t for this newspaper, I never would have known!”

O’Doyle said he first thought something might have been going on when he received an additional $300 from an unknown person named “Stimulus.”

“I know I’ve been paying a lot more for food and my overall expenses have been pretty tight, but that wasn’t enough for me to conclude it was happening to everyone,” he said. “Turns out, the whole economy is, like, bad and this Stimulus guy is trying to help out. Thanks CNN, I had no idea. None.”

Days later when O’Doyle’s 5.2-miles-to-the-gallon Hummer needed more gas, he spotted yet another newspaper with nearly the same headline, “Gas prices continue to soar, economy not so good.”

“That was really freaky because I filled up my tank and it was even more than it cost the last time, plus the sign at the station said it went up, but I didn’t really know if it did or not until I read the paper,” he said, holding the paper, in shock. “It’s weird too, because if I didn’t read that other people don’t like having to spend lots of moola on gas but can’t really see another option, I would’ve totally thought that was just me. Who knew?”

O’Doyle said he also relies on the media to tell him whether or not it’s raining.

Categories: Economy, News
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