Monikers Make Many Mad
WASHINGTON DC - In a future joint effort between the US Census Bureau and Administration for a Literate America (AfaLA), it was announced in a Bill signed by Congress that people over the age of 18 must now legally make a change to their names in order to represent themselves more accurately.
The move was be made in response to a growing national population and the increasingly difficult task of making accurate snap judgments based on first impressions. “With the fast pace of our modern lives, it has become an epidemic across the country to waste time networking with people that initially falsely represent themselves,” Fredrick Ideaman, Chairman for AfaLA, said.
“This new bill will help us to better keep track of the professions and activities of the citizens in our various districts,” US Census Bureau mailroom worker Gus Underachiever commented.
The new Bill will result in a new government facility, which will be known as the Personality Identification Agency (PIA).
After filling out a brief form based upon one’s past experiences, skills, and a short personality profile-based interview with a licensed official, citizens will receive their new moniker in about 4-6 weeks. Licensed Official Annabelle Asksalot added, “People will get the option to suggest a name for themselves, however, after interviewing the number of people that I have, most have a pretty jaded view of who they really are. Most names are rejected; we have professionals doing this for a reason.”
Not everyone is pleased with the new Bill. “I [fooled] around a lot in college. Is that my fault?” Cassandra Getsitonanytimeanyplace questioned. “I mean, I can’t even fit my name into most job application boxes. And when I do get an interview, these creepy administrative types just eye me up and down and loosen their ties.”
Another group upset with the future Bill is the American Association of Alliteration Advocates (AAAA). While president of the Chicago chapter, Stephen S. Self-righteous, will not be able to be reached for comment, a bitter posting on the group’s website reads, “If the AfaLA truly wants to increase literacy in this country they should be open minded to higher forms of literary components. Raising the etymological bar never hurt anyone.”
“They are just upset that not everyone can fit into a neat little name with the same letter beginning the first and last name,” Ideaman contends. “There are only so many words in the English language and, it turns out, many more personality types!”
New York financial advisor Cindy Workaholic likes some aspects of the new Bill. “Dating has been easier,” she commented, while putting her third cell phone on hold, “I met a guy at a bar after a client meeting last week. He tried to hide his name on his driver’s license but, I’m sorry, I have no time for anyone named Manwhore. It’s not going to happen.”
Incidentally, there are close to 1,000 men named “Manwhore” in New York City alone. PIA Identification Department Chief Theodore Struggleswithweight stated “There will be no cap on the number of similar monikers being handed out. There have always been an abundance of Smith’s, Johnson’s, and Lopez’s – why should this be any different.”
When asked about his new name, Struggleswithweight shrugged and said, “Well, they got me! Care for a donut hole?”
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