Motorcycle passenger Josh Slater says he survived a ride home without holding onto driver Kirk Krasinski. It is unclear from this photo where Slater is placing his hands.

Motorcycle passenger Joshua Slater risked his life Tuesday by not securing himself in any way to driver Kirk Krasinski in a hair-raising ride home from a local tavern.”

Since the Toyota’s been in the shop, I usually grab a ride home with (co-worker) Buddy (Belzer),” said Slater, who after his shift joined Belzer, Krasinski and a few other coworkers for drinks at local hangout Racerz. “But he had something going on at his daughter’s school, so after a couple of beers he takes off, and the next thing I know it’s just me and Kirk. So I’m like, ‘Hey man, can you swing me over to Red Oak trailer park on your way home?’ and he’s like ‘No problem, dude.’

“Then we get out to the parking lot and I see his Harley. Big problem, dude.”

With the sun setting and his options dwindling, Slater accepted the ride, which presented myriad logistical challenges to the strict code of behavior concerning physical contact between lower-middle class heterosexual males.

“Back in the, uh, ‘bitch seat’, there’s not a lot keeping you on those bikes,” Slater said. “They’re designed that way, to keep the ‘bitches’ hanging onto their man for dear life.

“Well, no way was I grabbing his waist. I thought about his shoulders, but that seemed just as weird. Usually those bikes have a seat rest you can reach behind you, but for some reason this one didn’t. So I just made sure there was a good five inches between my crotch and his ass, kept my hands on my knees and played it cool.”

Complicating the situation was an instance in which Krasinski applied the brakes abruptly, forcing Slater to slide up firmly against his backside. Slater again “played it cool” by pretending to ogle a passing female pedestrian, advising Krasinski to “check out the rack at 4 o’clock” while nonchalantly inching away from him. In doing so, however, Slater nearly slid off the back of the seat during subsequent acceleration.

“I saved myself by locking my calves against the exhaust pipes, which hurt like a bitch,” he said. “Luckily I was wearing my work Wranglers, although they’re pretty much toast now.”

Slater escaped serious injury at a fortuitously timed red light near a Walgreen’s, where he abruptly dismounted with the excuse that he just remembered he needed to pick up some smokes. He assured Krasinski that the trailer park was near enough to walk from there.

“OK, so 12 blocks isn’t exactly close,” Slater said. “But give me some credit. I made it there alive, and more importantly, I made it the whole way without touching him.”

Categories: News
Tags: Harley-Davidson, homophobia, motorcycle safety