BETHLEHEM – In a rare public appearance, the Son of God appeared near his presumed birthplace on Dec. 25 to declare that he wants to take the “Christ” out of “Christmas.”

Taking a modern approach in this so-called “Sermon on the Wall” – a reference to the wall Israel has erected to separate Bethlehem from Palestinian-controlled parts of nearby Jerusalem – the long-haired, robed Jesus admonished Christians everywhere for taking his name in vain on a day that isn’t even his birthday in his first public speech in well over 2000 years.

“Everyone knows I’m a Leo,” said Christ as he spoke to a group of stoned hippies and disinterested Orthodox Jews. “If you want to celebrate me, you have to get the date – or at least the freaking season – right.”

Calling modern celebrations of Christmas “disgusting,” Christ went on to say he wants nothing to do with the holiday and is considering putting a trademark on his name and suing anyone who uses it without his permission.

“Fine, so that’s not really Christian of me – but, hey, I’m really a Jew,” Christ said. “What can I say? We like our money.”

Christ said he was born in Gary, Indiana and raised by fur-trappers. When asked to produce evidence such as a birth certificate, he replied:

“Birth certificate? I don’t need no stinkin’ birth certificate.”

A trademark on “Christ” is a risky but bold move, said Aaron Feinsteinberg, an analyst with investment giant Goldman Sachs.

“It would collapse the world’s economy in an instant,” Feinsteinberg said. “It would be catastrophic. Not like Britney-going-bald disastrous, but close.”

But it’s unclear at this time whether Christ’s message is really getting out to the masses. Unlike in days of yore – when Christ had the rapturous attention of his flock – today’s Christian is harder to convince, said Theology Prof. John Paul Sacrebleu of the University of Unimes in Nimes, France.

“We have no visible evidence that this man is indeed who he says he is,” said Pat Roberston, head of the Christian Broadcasting Network. “I look at him and I see a nutjob hippie who has been partaking too much of the “grass.” Christ, Our Lord, would never dress like a back-up guitarist for the Grateful Dead.”

Robertson then challenged Christ to “perform a few miracles” before the end of the day.

“Until then, I’m celebrating CHRISTmas,” Roberston said. “Also, to the person who keeps writing “Pat likes little boys” on my garage door in red spray paint – please stop.”

If his efforts at peaceful de-Christification fail, Christ said he will take his one-man protest to the highest authority – God – and promises that his “dad’s gonna rain some fire and brimstone on y’all bitches.”

Categories: News, Religion
Tags: Christmas, Religion