To supplement his Radio Shack income, Douglas Langston made money as the "before" model for advertisements boasting miraculous cures for horrendously ugly people.

The human race went extinct this week after the last available male of the species was unable to find a willing mate for procreation.

Prolonged warfare in the first half of the 21st century handed Douglas Langston, a former Chicago-area Radio Shack manager, the enviable role of the last man on earth. Unfortunately, the awkward, acne-plagued introvert’s notoriously poor luck with the ladies showed no marked improvement roaming the nuclear wasteland as a “Road Warrior”-style fuel scavenger.

“In the pre-Hypercaust era, women always used to say they wouldn’t date me if I were the last man alive,” lamented Langston, hunched over the green flames of a small plutonium fire while eating dog food directly from the can. “Little did I know they weren’t joking.”

The cumulative effects of World Wars III, IV & VI, a series of Judeo-Christian-Muslim conflicts initially launched by then-President Jenna Bush in 2032, wiped out all but several dozen members of the human race. World War V (2041-42) actually saw a brief increase in population due to the development of the semi-sentient Sino-Cyborg, a Nikerosoft-produced source of cheap labor which mysteriously learned to reproduce.

When the dust settled in fall of 2049, Langston crawled out of his basement game-room after a “wicked round of D&D” to find all but a handful of people – 32 women – dead.

“So I’m like, ‘This is it, dude,’” he said, rubbing his hands together. “Now or never. Time to make my move.”

Of the 32 women, five were spinsters beyond child-bearing age, although Langston considered two of them to be “sorta hot.” Six women in their 40s who fancied themselves “cougars” were eager to aggressively bed Langston, not out of attraction but as a sexual conquest, but like the spinsters, they proved to be “dry.” That left 21 women ranging from ages 22 to 36 with the capacity to bear Langston’s child, several of whom he deemed attractive. The feelings were not mutual.

“I realize the human race is at stake, but I’m not sleeping with pizza-face,” said Renee Fox, a 28-year-old former waitress. “Would it be too much to ask that the last man on earth be a totally-ripped, leather-clad badass who takes me around the desert highways on the back of his killer Harley?”

For Janey Simmons, a 35-year-old former self-described “MILF” whose husband and two children were incinerated in their home while she copulated with a neighbor in his emergency shelter, it was a matter of standards.

“I love a good time, believe me!” Simmons said. “The pool guy, the UPS guy, my teen daughter’s boyfriend. I’m into all types. But this guy is just… repulsive. He puts my sex drive in reverse. I have this sudden urge to join a convent and get right with God for all my sinful fornication.”

Twenty-five-year-old former Northwestern University student Molly Jorgensen realized the serious implications of refusing Langston’s crude, pathetic advances.

“I want to do the right thing, I really do. I don’t want the human race to die out,” said Jorgensen. “But it’s like he gets within six feet of me and I start retching. It’s an involuntary response.

“Maybe, MAYBE, I could see doing in vitro, as long as I don’t picture his face… but how many fucking clinics do you see around here?” added Jorgensen, gesturing towards the endless mass of dust, sand and scrubby vegetation around her.

Ultimately, Langston’s seed went unplanted, bringing an end to 200,000 years (or 6,000 Intelligent Design years) of human civilization.

“I really thought I had a shot with that Molly chick, but she kept talking about this ‘guy back at school’ she was sort of seeing. I told her that was cool, I respect that,” said Langston. “I’m just sorry I let the human race down. Maybe the Sino-Cyborgs will have better luck.”

Categories: News, Obituaries
Tags: death, sex