Friendless Mascots Unveiled for China Olympics
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Is honesty the best policy? The world will find out as China, amidst political and social controversy, has decided to take a more up-front position in its final preparations for the 2008 Summer Olympic Games.
In a statement released by the Chinese Olympic Committee, it appears China will be making some changes to their world reputation.
“We are aware that most of the world is not fond of the way we are treating the bums and whores of our city” the statement said in reference to the shipping of such undesirables out to the country side. The statement goes on to address environmental issues and the conflict with Tibet, although it should be noted the phrase “sons of bitches” is used quite frequently to describe the latter.
“Since the games are so close and there isn’t much China can do to actually fix the problems,” said COC publicist Wee Win. “The decision to make people accept things that we don’t want to change is our new plan.”
The plan begins with renaming the Olympic mascots, five cuddly characters, initially called the “Friendlies,” loosely representing both the colors of the Olympic rings and the five characters of Chinese philosophy.
Instead of representing water, fire, metal, wood, and earth, the now Friendless Friendlies will stand in honor of the host nation’s woes. The sky will be represented by the black Friendless in honor of China’s coal industry and smog-filled skies. The blue character will incidentally go unchanged in appearance but will be carried by the aforementioned black Friendless to represent the death and absence of such a color overhead for almost two generations.
“Any Chinese under the age of 45 will most likely have trouble understanding the reference,” Win said.
The red character will stand for the infanticide long denied by the Chinese over the utter disgrace and life-long shame and humility of bearing a daughter. Incidentally, all the female athletes representing China this summer make up 70 percent of the country’s population.
The Tibetan human rights crisis will be represented by the yellow Friendless and will now be seen in a crouched pleading position. It will also be adorned with a leash, although the COC has not decided yet which of the other Friendless mascots will be in control. Win conceded that it is always a possibility they all will hold an end because “those sons of bitches need to know who is boss.”
The green Friendless will have its smile broadened and be the happiest of the five, while representing money.
“We feel that we are very lucky,” Win said. “We have tricked the entire world into giving us these games and we will benefit greatly from all of you. Had you done any research at all you would have seen that giving China the Olympics was a very bad idea. Very bad.”
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