Congress on foreign spammers: Return to sender!
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Congressional hardliners have a message for senders of foreign-language e-mails – say it in American.
Anti-immigration lawmakers’ efforts, which have previously focused on undocumented aliens’ acquisition of U.S. jobs, welfare benefits and driver’s licenses, involve those cryptic e-mails that employ non-Roman characters and increasingly plug U.S. Internet channels. Most recipients assume the messages are spam, but no one really knows for sure – and that’s what’s got lawmakers reaching for the “reply” button.
“I got this e-mail at the office the other day that read something like ‘统 领 销 售 团 队 》 系 列 课’,” said Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, R-Wis. “I’m like, what’s the deal? Is my cock too small, or can I lose 50 pounds in 10 days? Because if it’s about my cock, I might be interested. But thanks to our immigrant-coddling society, I’ll never know.”
Sensenbrenner and fellow Republicans Rep. Tom Tancredo of Colorado and Sen. Jim Sessions of Alabama have codified their gripes into draft legislation that will require all foreign spam e-mails to be returned to their country of origin. They shrugged off concerns by experts in the information and technology industry over the viability of the “return to sender” provision of their proposed E-mail Integrity Protection Act.
“You just hit ‘reply’ and then ‘send’, don’t you?” Tancredo said. “This ain’t rocket science, Bill Gates.”
The explosion of foreign-language spam filling our e-mail boxes is no accident, said Victoria Walton, technology expert at ITT Technical Institute. She sees the phenomenon as another manifestation of globalization.
“It’s pure economics,” said Walton. “With a seemingly endless supply of dirt-cheap labor typing and sending 18 hours a day, 6 days a week, countries like China and India can generate thousands of e-mails for every one produced by union-certified American spammers.”
The language barrier isn’t as much of an issue as it would appear, Walton added.
“Hey, you could send out 10 million of these babies in Klingon and get a few dumbasses to click on it.”
However, Sessions clarified that the scope of the measure will not be limited to strictly non-English e-mail.
“Some guy from Nigeria needs me to send a cashier’s check for $1,000? Am I mistaken or isn’t Nigeria outside our borders? Sorry, Señor Mugatabe. Not this hombre,” said Sessions. “It’s just discouraging. Why can’t that e-mail come from the ‘Bank of Orlando’ or some other sham corporation that’s clearly American? I’d much rather do business with a fraud operating out of the good ol’ U.S. of A.”
Critics have taken issue with the measure’s rigid insistence on American linguistic standards. Professor Hugh Finkelstein, chairman of the University of Phoenix’s e-mailogy department, questions how helpful such requirements will be for those with poor English-language skills.
“In their defense, some foreign spammers have made good-faith efforts to peddle their filth via translations,” Finkelstein said. “But at what cost? ‘SHe l1ke it b!g & h@rd’ is so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors that by the time I finally decipher its meaning, I’m small and limp. At least with ‘ЙЫЎЮД!!!!,’ I can make a fairly educated guess that I should call 333-1435 to find a fuck-buddy in my hometown.”
But Sensenbrenner was quick to note that the ordinance would provide for exceptions when warranted.
“A few weeks ago I got an e-mail with the subject line ‘ΦΩΠ’,” he said. “I was on horn with INS before I realized it was my old frat setting up the annual blackface mixer. Whew, would my face have been red. So to speak.”
And there was the emoticon Sessions received from his wife.
“Lord, I’ll never live that one down!” he said, joining Sensenbrenner and Tancredo in a hearty laugh. “We had her in cuffs before it dawned on me what that little smiley face meant.”
But the levity of the moment quickly dissipated as Tancredo related the subject line of much more serious e-mail he received this week.
“I’m no linguistic expert, but I have a pretty good idea what ‘ﻝﻵﻚﻉ’ means,” he said. “Sorry, Osama, I ain’t buying what you’re selling. Unless it’s oil.”
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