Hard to argue with photographic proof

Christians around the world were devastated this morning when the long-awaited return of their lord and savior Jesus Christ was cut short by the unexpected arrival of a spaceship piloted by Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. Thought to be a widely denied myth of the Church of Scientology, the 20-foot-tall Xenu brought down his ship, closely resembling a Douglas DC-8, directly on the podium where Christ was ready to begin his triumphant press conference.

“Jesus was all set to greet his, you know, children, broadcast live on every continent exclusively on our network,” said Fox News producer Mitch Spicowitz, “when pow-boom! this plane-looking thing screams outta nowhere and lands—splat!—right on ol’ Jiminy Christmas’s head. I tell ya, it was horrible. All those promos we ran, wasted.”

The tragedy sent shock waves through the Scientologist community, whose members mostly believed Xenu to be a figment of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s drug-addled imagination.

“According to the Incident II story,” said actor and Scientologist John Travolta, “seventy-five million years ago, Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth, dumped them in volcanos and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their essences, called body thetans, remained, and today form around us, causing us spiritual harm. …Until this morning, I just figured that was all bullshit.”

Many Scientologists share in Travolta’s confusion, as church leaders are wondering what this means to the future of the religion.

“Obviously, this validates everything we’ve been saying,” said Scientology leader David Miscavige. “And that freaks us the fuck out.”

Unlike Christianity or any number of similar world religions, Scientology has no known prophecy for the second coming of Xenu, thus leaving followers scratching their heads. According to the Incident II legend, after Xenu, with the help of psychiatrists, gathered his opponents on Earth, then known as Teegeeack, blew them up and subjected their disembodied spirits to a “3-D, super colossal motion picture” for 36 days—in which they were imprinted with “lies” about God and the Devil—he was captured and imprisoned. The location of his imprisonment is unclear, as are the circumstances of his escape.

“You know what this, HA-HA-HA, you know what this means?” said Scientology’s Tom Cruise, clapping his hands and jumping up on his couch. “It means all that stuff about, about us being made up of those, HA-HA-HA, those body thetan assholes is correct, 100 percent! Hell yeah! Cleared Theta Clear level, here I come! HA-HA-HA! Katie, grab Suri, we’re going to Uranus! No, the planet! No, I don’t mean like last night…”

The death of Christ puts the future of the recent Armageddon into question, as frogs continue to overwhelm much of the United States, demons ravage the Middle East, and the Dick Cheney presidency goes into its second month. Christ’s resurrection was meant to usher in 1,000 years of peace and tranquility.

Pope Benedict, who was on hand for the press conference, seemed pessimistic about the future following today’s events.

When asked for comment, his holiness replied, “Balls.”

Xenu himself only gave a brief statement after disembarking from his spaceship: “Hey man, I’m just some guy. What’s the big fuss?”

UPDATED: The news of his death seemingly premature, Jesus has again come back from the dead, and is said to be recovering nicely at John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. Asked if he had any message for the world, Jesus weakly replied, “I know I may be tough to believe in, but Scientology is retarded.”

Categories: News, Religion
Tags: , christians, jesus, Religion, scientology, spaceships, xanu