Satellite imagery shows a massive cold front, unimpeded by Canadian border patrols, invading the United States.

A new Cold War is brewing, literally, over the latest Canadian weather system to invade its powerful southern neighbor, the United States.

While the prolonged winter of 2008-09 has tested the patience of residents on both sides of the border, the most recent weather assault has chilled diplomatic relations in both respective capitals.

The third Canadian cold front of the season made its way into the U.S. last week, spreading misery into the Dakotas, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan, with effects felt throughout parts of Illinois, Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York. For the first time, indications are that Washington has had enough of the resulting power outages, dangerous driving conditions, frostbite, increased heating-fuel consumption and seasonal affective disorder.

“There’s only so many times (Prime Minister Stephen) Harper can shrug his shoulders and chalk it up to ‘Old Man Winter,’” said James L. Jones, national security advisor to President Obama. “These devastating systems are originating from their country, and it’s time they do something about it.

“If they don’t, we will.”

Those ominous words have been interpreted to indicate that a number of retaliatory measures, from economic sanctions to military action, are on the table.

According to a high-ranking official within the administration, a nuclear strike has not been ruled out.

For its part, the Canadian government denies any active role in the formation and deployment of its weather systems.

“Much like a woman, Mother Nature is unpredictable and acts of her own accord, completely outside our realm of control,” said Harper. “Our suggestion to the Americans is to stock up on firewood, Red Green DVDs, and maybe get an extra scarf.”

They’re not buying it on Main Street, USA, nor on Pennsylvania Avenue, where Obama is considering a range of options to bring the Canadians into compliance.

He has already asked Congress to suspend the longtime pop culture-for-prescription drugs trade agreement that has largely sustained Canada’s moribund entertainment sector for the last half-century. More seriously, he plans to dispatch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to the United Nations next month to reveal to the international community the latest U.S. intelligence on suspected weather-manipulation facilities (WMFs) in northern Alberta.

Ottawa has responded in kind, threatening to expel the thousands of American refugees who migrated north following each of George W. Bush’s presidential election victories.

In an effort to cool, er, defuse tensions, UN weapons expert Hans Blix has suggested sending inspectors into Canada’s vast central provinces over the next several months to verify any U.S. claims. Maintaining that it has nothing to hide, the Canadian government appears willing to go along with Blix’s proposal and has already allowed an advance team led by Blix to tour the suspected WMF sites.

Asked what he whether he found anything during his brief visit, Blix retorted, “Yeah. Snow.” Asked to elaborate, he added, “Lots of snow.”

For U.S. officials, that was enough evidence of weather manipulation to merit action.

“Can we afford to wait for the ‘frozen gun’?” Jones challenged during a round of appearances on the Sunday morning talk-show circuit. He presented a doomsday scenario in which a paralyzing cold strike renders the northern half of the United States vulnerable to Canadian occupation and the subsequent infusion of its culture — free health care, subjugation to the Queen of England, weird-looking money and conversion of U.S. football stadiums to hockey rinks “or worse, CFL stadiums.”

“12/18 woke us up to a new reality,” Obama warned, invoking the infamous crippling snowstorm of Dec. 18, 2008 — a catastrophic mix of Pacific moisture colliding with a cold air mass plunging southward from, that’s right, Canada. “Failure to act on our part will give the Hoser enemy its window of opportunity. And while we’re dilly-dallying with inspectors, the blizzard will be upon us.”

Categories: News
Tags: Canada, Obama, weather