Hop-Sing was often "solly" on "Bonanza," but he shore could cook a mess o' vittles, couldn't he, Paw?

Bigoted Americans managed to save one of their most cherished ethnic references while agreeing to give up other cultural stereotypes in a historic agreement reached this week.

After months of exhaustive negotiations, the Anti-P.C. Guild and the P.C. Federation announced a preliminary set of guidelines listing which ethnic groups are acceptable targets of ridicule in conventional social discourse. At the top of the list: “Me so solly,” the venerable humble apology attributed to comically inept Chinese laundrymen.

“That was our dealmaker,” said Frank Wilson, president of the Anti-P.C. Guild. “For us to even start talking about giving up some of our time-honored slurs, ‘Me so solly’ had to stay. Fortunately, the P.C. Federation was willing to go along with that.”

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but one that came with an enticing tradeoff, said Dirk Martinez, chairman of the P.C. Federation.

“Basically, we wanted all black jokes off the table,” said Martinez. “The range was just too good to pass up – we’re talking everything from ‘ooga-booga’ tribal Africans to ‘hey-mon’ Jamaicans and ‘yes-massah’ slaves, right up to the ‘bee-yatches’ and ‘ho’s’ of black inner-city America. When A-P.C. indicated they were willing to go along with that, I was comfortable with giving them ‘Me so solly’ in return.”

Wilson encountered considerable resistance from within his group’s ranks on the black concession, which also bars comical depiction of the 1980s-era rapper by wearing a baseball cap backwards and placing one’s hands over the mouth and making percussive sounds. The gag, explicitly forbidden for use not only by white people but members of any race under the “human decency” clause of the accord, was a particular favorite among over-40 members of the A-P.C.

“Failure to ridicule peripheral elements of society can start you down a slippery slope,” said Donald Stanley, vice treasurer of the A-P.C. “The next step is acceptance of the minority group as valid. Once they’re no longer ‘wacko,’ we have no choice but to treat these people and their ways with dignity and respect. Do we really want that?”

Wilson countered that ‘Me so solly’ was paramount in the negotiating process, and that “you have to give a little to get a little.”

“As Americans, we are exposed to a melting pot of different cultures, languages, and religious beliefs,” Wilson added. “And as Americans, it is our grand tradition to belittle those cultures which scare us or make us uncomfortable. I believe ‘Me so solly’ embodies that principle.”

Likewise, Martinez took hits from within his group for allowing ‘Solly’ and several other references deemed offensive by some of the organization’s members. Joining Chinese-Americans’ opposition to the deal were German-Americans, who objected to the continued general disregard for their profound benevolent influence on American culture in favor of the popularized Nazi-oriented caricature.

“People think of us in one of two ways,” said P.C. Foundation member Hans Fritzengläubenßsauergeschmidtz. “Either it’s the ‘Schindler’s List’-style evil Nazi who kills without conscience, or it’s the ‘Hogan’s Heroes’-style idiot Nazi who is easily and repeatedly duped by American P.O.Ws.

“And how realistic is that?” Fritzengläubenßsauergeschmidtz added. “I mean, do you really think we overran most of Europe and half of Russia with the likes of Colonel Klink and Sergeant Schultz?”

While Martinez sympathized with Chinese-Americans’ plight over having to endure perpetual television reruns of “Solly” standup routines, he dismissed the Germans’ concerns as oversensitive.

“Excuse me, but does anyone remember World War II? How about the Holocaust?” he said. “As chairman of the P.C. Federation, it’s my duty to embrace all cultures of the world, but fuck the Krauts.”

All told, the Anti-P.C. Union was allowed to keep five “untouchable” ethnic references, all of which the membership ultimately agreed were critical to maintaining the requisite contempt for diverse viewpoints that has long defined mainstream America. Particularly painful concessions, in addition to African/African-American, included Mexican/Latin American (“Hey, hombre! Mi casa es su casa.”), Asian Indian (“Good day, my name is Hajneesh, there is problem with your Dell computer?”) and Irish (“Beat yer wife, did ye, O’Sullivan? Saints be praised, have a wee nip o’ me bot’le.”).

“I don’t know why,” said Stanley, “but when people of other cultures speak our language to the best of their ability, we find the resulting grammar and pronunciation variances to be amusing. What could be more worthy of our derision?”

Here are the five acceptable ethnic slurs, and accompanying physical gestures, under terms of the P.C./Anti-P.C. Accord of 2008:

1. “Me so solly.” – Chinese laundryman, bowing profusely

2. (alternate 1) “Vee haf vays of making you tok.” – evil Nazi, squinting as if wearing monocle

2. (alternate 2) “Halt!!! Shtop ze American prisoner, dumkopf!” – idiot Nazi, goosestepping and raising arm in Hitler salute

3. “Mama mia! You just-a cut off-a my finger with-a pizza cutter!” – Italian/Italian-American gangster, with frenzied hand expressions

4. “How. Pale-face make-um firewater with maize many moons ago.” – Native American Indian, raising right hand with rigid stoicism

5. (alternate 1) “Good evening, dear, how was work? Let me fix you a drink. I spent all afternoon shopping!” – ideal American housewife, primping hair in the mirror

5. (alternate 2) “I dented the Edsel on the way home from the salon. You never take me anywhere! My mother is coming to visit.” – evil American housewife, holding rolling pin overhead

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Tags: Diversity