http://www.usatomorrownews.com News so new, it hasn't even happened yet Fri, 04 Jul 2008 23:05:12 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Motorcycle passenger Joshua Slater risked his life Tuesday by not securing himself in any way to driver Kirk Krasinski in a hair-raising ride home from a local tavern." Since the Toyota's been in the shop, I usually grab a ride home with (co-worker) Buddy (Belzer)," said Slater, who after his shift ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/male-motorcycle-passenger-risks-life-by-refusing-to-hold-onto-driver/ Abusive computer owners, be warned – the law is taking an increasingly hard line on mistreatment of PCs. In a groundbreaking development in the relationship between man and machine, a Greenwich, Conn., man last week was charged with domestic abuse of an electronic servant, a test case that is certain ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/charges-filed-against-abusive-dell-computer-owner/ In a time when consumers can't pick up a newspaper or turn on the television without seeing a story on the ever-rising price of gas or helpless staggering economy, an uninformed reader finds validity in the media's newest form of masturbation. While parking his Hummer H2 at the local Shell station, ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/one-millionth-story-on-gas-prices-alerts-reader/ DETROIT - The results of a study by the Organizing Network of Energy (On E) will be released in the upcoming edition of the Penny Pincher's Almanac.  The study, in light of recent oil prices sky-rocketing, looks at the different ways consumers can save money on rising fuel costs. "It doesn't ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/study-reveals-gas-aving-technique/ DECATUR, Ill. – Scott Thompson loves roundabouts, and not just because of their superior traffic handling capabilities. “Basically, they’re a great tool for messing with people’s heads,” said Thompson, 55, traffic engineer with the Illinois Department of Transportation. “We’ve done a lot messed-up things like three-way yield signs and LED traffic ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/roundabout-designer-loves-%e2%80%98messing-with-people%e2%80%99s-heads%e2%80%99/ Soaking in a win in West Virginia, Sen. Hillary Clinton stepped up her calls for her opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, to resign, saying it would be the best thing for her candidacy. "(Obama's) resigning is the only chance this country has in electing me president," Clinton said. "His delegate total is ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/politics/2008-elections/clinton-pressures-obama-to-drop-out/ With the 2008 NFL draft now completed, Mel Kiper Jr. and his worthless profession of predicting draft picks and grading team’s drafts all year long has just got more ridiculous. Kiper has released him mock draft for the NFL draft in 2016. In an interview on ESPN’s NFL Live Kiper ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/sports/mel-kiper-jr-releases-2016-nfl-mock-draft/ Is honesty the best policy? The world will find out as China, amidst political and social controversy, has decided to take a more up-front position in its final preparations for the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. In a statement released by the Chinese Olympic Committee, it appears China will be making ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/friendless-mascots-unveiled-for-china-olympics/ The human race went extinct this week after the last available male of the species was unable to find a willing mate for procreation. Prolonged warfare in the first half of the 21st century handed Douglas Langston, a former Chicago-area Radio Shack manager, the enviable role of the last man on ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/human-race-dies-out-when-last-man-on-earth-fails-to-score/ When Amanda Bloomington planned her April wedding, she thought allowing her guests to take photos during the reception would add fun, candid photos to her collection. What she discovered upon developing was definitely not fit for any photo album. "They were all guys' thingys!" she screamed through tears. "Like all of ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/bride-discovers-disposable-cameras-at-wedding-only-used-for-penis-pictures/ Bigoted Americans managed to save one of their most cherished ethnic references while agreeing to give up other cultural stereotypes in a historic agreement reached this week. After months of exhaustive negotiations, the Anti-P.C. Guild and the P.C. Federation announced a preliminary set of guidelines listing which ethnic groups are acceptable ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/anti-pcpc-accord-preserves-%e2%80%98me-so-solly%e2%80%99/ After a less than mediocre return of the NBC hit "The Office" former fans of the show picketed the Writer's Guild offices demanding the writers go back on strike. "Seriously, I mean, what the fuck was that episode?" said angry fan Matt Warner. "I TIVO'd that shit and for what? Halfway ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/entertainment/fans-of-the-office-ask-writers-to-go-back-on-strike/ April 27 — Medical examiners are blaming over-stimulation as the cause of a Winnemucka man’s death, when the convicted pedophile couldn’t decide which Dakota Fanning movie to watch on cable Saturday afternoon and his head burst. Jim Berry, 46, was discovered by a neighbor who reported hearing a loud “pop” ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/uncategorized/simultaneous-airings-of-dakota-fanning-movies-cause-pedophile%e2%80%99s-head-to-explode/ April 23 — A frustrated and slightly moist Lexington man went unnoticed by an automated paper towel dispenser Tuesday night in the men’s restroom at TGI Friday’s in North Platte. Simon Dumple, 45, had finished washing his hands when he attempted to utilize the motion-sensing device. “But no towels came out,” ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/uncategorized/motion-sensing-towel-dispenser-won%e2%80%99t-acknowledge-area-man%e2%80%99s-presence/ April 11 — Legendary actor and former NRA president Charlton Heston, who died late Saturday at age 84, was remembered Thursday at a moving funeral service in Hollywood. He was then cremated, turned into popular food product Soylent Green, and served at the wake. "It was a perfect tribute to an amazing ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/screen-legend-hestons-remains-cremated-made-into-soylent-green/ CHICAGO -- Chicago Cubs fans are hoping a change in mascot might help their luck in breaking the 100-year drought in winning the World Series. Calling the billy goat "outdated" and "kinda retarded," hundreds of Cubs' fans took their protest to the Wrigley Field on opening day.  Many of them said they ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/sports/cubs-fans-demand-new-mascot-for-100-year-curse/ LOS ANGELES – The Los Angeles Dodgers’ vain, self-absorbed fans, more known for disinterested posing than loyal game attendance and enthusiastic cheering, are making their players sad “In that one game where we were playing that one team, I hitted the ball really hard,” said star center fielder Andruw Jones, who ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/sports/baseball-08-dodgers-have-had-enough-of-half-assed-fans/ ANYWHERE, America – A random Fat Guy has declared war on Wendy's for false advertising, claiming the "Baconator" doesn’t have enough bacon. According to the Fat Guy, the burger – which boasts two slices of meat, two slices of cheese plus six slices of bacon – and retails for about 99 ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/fat-guy-says-baconator-doesn%e2%80%99t-have-enough-bacon/ Bill Clinton sat with a certain look of pride on his face, watching news coverage of the Eliot Spitzer scandal like a proud papa at his son’s first Little League game. Clinton, of course, is the standard-bearer for all political scandals, Republican or Democrat. However, Democrats looking to stem criticism following ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/politics/democrats-laud-scandal-history/ Responding to speculation by rapper/actor DMX that Barack Obama "ain't that nigga's name," the Democratic presidential hopeful vowed Friday to make a renewed effort to reach out to the nation's hip-hop population. "The time has come," Obama said, raising his right hand at a campaign rally in Baltimore's Upper Fells Point ... http://www.usatomorrownews.com/news/obama-to-black-voters-barack-gon-give-it-to-ya/