WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA - A new charter school is gaining popularity for its radically new curriculum – reality television. STARZ Academy in West Hollywood is being touted as the premier school for students who aspire to grace the small screen for fame and fame alone.

“Our school is about giving students the tools to reach for the stars and maybe even become one!” touts director Paula Faimhoar.

Students may choose from a range of classes that fulfill California state educational requirements, although school records suggest many don’t graduate or even complete their senior year. “Once you hit 18 you are good to go for all the really good shows anyways. What do you even need a diploma for?” ex-student and non-graduate Liv Inondastrete said.

Although courses such as “Debate: Bleep Your Way To A Win,” which gets students an English credit, and the ever popular Home Economics class “Dress Like a Rich Prostitute on Your Own,” get students prepared for the chance at life under the microscope of America, Director Faimhoar claims there is more to the school than just “making it.”

“Sure, these kids can go on to do a week-long talk show tour and get invited to B-list movie premiers, but they also learn many good solid life lessons” Faimhoar explained. “Our Health classes teach kids how to stay skinny without being called ‘the anorexic one’ – a surefire way to get eliminated from a show – and our Music department not only teaches the fundamentals of vocals and instrumentals, but also how to have ‘eye-sex’ with the camera.”

STARZ Academy is also proud of its counseling department, made coincidentally out of retired casting directors and failed agents. When each student enters the school, according to the school’s website, they are assigned a counselor and interviewed to develop a profile. Inondastrete remembers being told she would do well playing the “big girl” and was then enrolled in courses to access that role.

“Reality shows definitely typecast,” Inondastrete said. “These shows hate it if they can’t bottle you up and label the shit out of you. STARZ had me in like three cooking classes. My music class was called ‘Using Your Diaphragm: Loud Bitches Get Heard’ and my math class was ‘Your Weight: Just a Number, Baby!’”

Opponents of the school site that while many alum, whether they graduated or not, have indeed gone on to achieve their egocentric goal of being seen by millions just because they were born, they quickly become a burden on society once their spotlight has dimmed. Further research shows that the percentage of attendees now on welfare or other public assistance programs is at an astonishing 78%.

“They may as well call the school ‘Falling STARZ Academy’,” says opponent Justin Abadmood, a California government aide worker. “The students not included in that 78% are either milking their show profits for all they are worth or living in their parents’ basements. They are essentially training kids to be a drain on society!”

When asked about whether she considered herself a “drain on society,” Inondastrete eyes brightened up: “Is that a new show?”

Categories: Education, Television
Tags: California, fame, reality television, school