Happy Birthday Capricorn
Capricorn - Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately, the beholder is dead.

Aquarius - Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Never underestimate the power of your predisposition to psychedelic, mind-altering euphoria. Do underestimate your predisposition to the Flintstones.

Pisces - Feb. 19 to March 20
Three words, Pisces: Traverse City, Michigan.

Aries - March 21 to April 19
Apricot jam is your best bet today. Wait – no, blackberry.

Taurus - April 20 to May 20
Your bloodless coup turns bloody when you fail to heed that patch of ice o­n the sidewalk. A dozen stitches later and you’ll be back to fighting tyranny. Remember, Taurus, every revolution has its price.

Gemini - May 21 to June 21
Inspired by the 80s hit, you decide to actually work 9 to 5. Dressed as Dolly Parton. You are fired.

Cancer - June 22 to July 22
Gott im himmel, dein kopf ist schoen!

Leo - July 23 to Aug. 22
Attempt to contact your inner child, channel your rage and become one with the earth today. There’s five bucks in it for ya if you do.

Virgo - Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Realizing your life to this point has been meaningless, you start a Supertramp fan club. Yeah, you heard me.

Libra - Sept. 23 to Oct. 3
Congratulations, Libra. You make me feel like a natural woman. WUH-MAN!

Scorpio - Oct. 24 to Nov. 21
A wise man once said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Attempting to test this theory, you are arrested crouched amongst a neighbor’s landscaping. Your three pet partridges are confiscated.

Sagittarius - Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You are ostracized from your family when the disclaimer “no offense, love ya” fails to make up for that comment o­n your aunt’s unsightly chin hair. But take heart, Sag – she really does look like she belongs in the circus. Not your fault no one else will say it.

Categories: Horoscopes
Tags: astrology, Horoscopes