With the public’s appetite for generic, poorly-written parody movies proving insatiable, “Epic Movie” scribes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer told USA Tomorrow in a Hollywood exclusive that movie-goers can expect the pair’s boldest statement to come during this summer’s “War Movie” — a “zany tribute to the troops that brings much-needed laughter to the foxhole.”

Following in the footsteps of stylistically similar films, “Scary Movie,” “Date Movie,” “Meet the Spartans” and the upcoming, “Superhero Movie,” Seltzer said “War Movie,” “takes a bleak subject and makes it fun for the whole family, or at least those family members who think it’s the highest comedy to see Pauly Shore get shot in the scrotum by Carmen Electra playing Ho Chi Mihn’s hot-ass mistress.”

Seltzer revealed that only half the script has been written, but everything should be finished in a week or two because of highly-productive staff meetings that allow the “(Insert blank) Movie” formula to possess a kind of “Hollywood magic not seen since ‘Weekend at Bernies I and II.’”

“It’s fucked up how much work we get done in, like, a day. I was totally talking to this dude who knows a guy who knows Marty Scorsese, and he was like, ‘Man, it takes him FOREVER to come up with dialogue and shit,’” Seltzer said. “I mean, Travis Bickle is bad-ass and all, but for us, we just order a shitload of burritos, knock back a few beers and the ideas start flowin’. Booyah! $18.6 million on opening weekend!”

Seltzer, Friedberg and their staff of six writers — three poop-flinging monkeys, two lobotomy patients and Carrot Top — said they’ve narrowed down the war films they plan to parody, though they admit most were “way too fucking serious and shit,” making them “kinda boring to watch.” Both also said they “didn’t really get” that whole “Apocalypse Now”-”Heart of Darkness” correlation critics keep yammering about, but that “most of those book-reading losers are elitist homos anyway.”

“We do know there’s a bald dude at the end of the movie who’s, like, Britney Spears crazy,” Seltzer said. “We’re gonna call him Col. Blurtz, which just sounds like a gross bodily function and is a guaranteed big laugh among teenagers. That’s kind of how we work, though. We just throw out an idea and it’s up for grabs. So like, we’ll be all, ‘Where can we go with this bald dude angle?’ And it’ll just come in a flash: Howie fuckin’ Mandel is bald! And then, BOOM, it’s on like Donkey Kong! I mean, how funny is it going to be for Col. Blurtz to say, ‘Deal or No Deal,’ as a group of bikini clad models holding metal briefcases start grinding each other to Soulja Boy’s ‘Crank That?’ People might start choking on their popcorn at that point.”

In another nod to “Apocalypse Now,” Friedberg said the mid-river USO scene that originally featured Playboy bunnies will be given “a hilarious and contemporary pop culture spin.”

“Oh, man, it’s gonna be so great,” Friedberg said with an irritatingly high-pitch giggle. “We’re gonna tease that a bunch of hot chicks from “Girls Next Door” are about to strip for the troops, and then, BAM, up from the floor springs William Hung to perform ‘She Bangs.’ I mean, seriously, who doesn’t love that guy? The audience is gonna crap its pants!”

Friedberg and Seltzer shared with USA Tomorrow a sample script page consisting of disconnected words and phrases like, “Guns,” “Camouflage,” “Rock of Love,” “That dude who played Booger in ‘Revenge of the Nerds,’” “Pot smoking,” “Vietnamese midgets,” “Verne Troyer playing a Vietnamese midget,” “Boobs,” “Paris Hilton with a Hitler mustache,” “Crazy legless fuckers in wheelchairs,” “Guitar Hero,” “Leave Britney alone guy,” “Yo Quiero Taco Bell,” “Prince Harry talking like Austin Powers,” and “Obama Girl.”

However, in one fleshed-out scene, Seltzer said two soldiers, played by Shawn and Marlon Wayans, encounter a pair of prostitutes on a Saigon street corner like in Stanley Kubrick’s Vietnam masterpiece, “Full Metal Jacket.”

“Except that it’s going to be a girl who looks like Ellen Page from ‘Juno’ with an over-sized stomach and she’s going to say, ‘Honest to blog, me so hungry,’ and then she’ll take a bite out of her hamburger phone. I mean, it works both ways! She’s fat AND pregnant! When we put that one on paper, I thought to myself, ‘God was really smiling on us when Spider-Man took off Donald Trump’s toupee in ‘Meet the Spartans,’ but motherfucker, we’ve really outdone ourselves here.’”

Before he began his next thought, Friedberg started furiously scribbling in his notepad.

“Wait, wait! We’ll have a drunk David Hasselhoff fighting Juno for the hamburger. They’ll be crawling around on the floor for it, and then that ‘Vote For Pedro’ guy shows up and they’ll all sit around a table and play Russian roulette for the burger like in ‘The Deer Hunter.’ Holy fucking shit! I just thought of that right now!”

In a final touch, Seltzer said the movie wouldn’t have been complete without a “Saving Private Ryan” nod, although the writers were a little leery of parodying a movie that caused so much emotion to surface when first released. But both writers felt they struck the right balance of humor by tapping into something all Americans could be proud of.

“We hired Tom Hanks’ brother’s neighbor to play Captain Miller, so he’s coming at the role with some real inside knowledge,” Friedberg said. “Except we thought it’d be a huge mind-fuck to have Miller talk like Forrest Gump, because let’s face it, retarded people are hilarious.

“So the Captain is looking for this Private Ryan guy during the movie and he says wacky stuff like, ‘War is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.’ And in the end, it’s revealed that Private Ryan is Private Ryan SEACREST. Well, an actor that looks like Ryan Seacrest, because he wanted too much money. But he’ll be all, “Sorry Gump, this Private Ryan answers to no one. Seacrest out,” before being shot in the back by Saddam Hussein wearing a diaper. It’s so fucking awesome.”

“Can we get a Simon Cowell look-a-like to show up and say ‘Ryan, that’s utterly dreadful?’” Friedberg added.

“Oh shit, and then a Paula Abdul look-a-like can start acting bat-shit crazy and MC Skat Kat will show up and they’ll start rapping, but then a Michael Jackson look-a-like will be all, ‘Shit, I can moonwalk better than y’all. Tee-hee!’ And then Macaulay Culkin can make a cameo and be all, ‘Michael’s my friend. He touched my wiener’ and then he’ll make that awesome ‘Home Alone’ face, but not before WWE star John Cena shows up to reprise his role in ‘The Marine,’ and he challenges John Rambo to a wrestling match, and then Tila Tequila will show up in a swimming pool full of pudding with ‘The Hottie and the Nottie’ …”

Unfortunately, the interview ended with Friedberg’s head exploding.

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Tags: features, movies