G. Gordon Guhnette III was born to wealthy newspaper robber barons who delighted in gobbling up family-owned publications while paying its paperboys to push old people in walkers and urinate on them as they crowed about their arthritic hips. Having amassed a sizeable fortune by manufacturing miniature thimbles for board games, his family's wealth instilled in G. Gordon a widespread loathing for the poor and middle class. By the age of 4, and through a Guhnette Company indoctrination method known as "Muppetization," he also began to express utter contempt for America's education system and its reliance on "facts" to tell stories about people far less important than him.

Bored inside his mansion playing Mouse Trap all day, G. Gordon was the primary reason for the sharp decline in news quality at one of Guhnette's most profitable, award winning papers, the Indianapolis Post Dealer of Today. He was also 6-years-old when named executive editor and insisted on nothing but coverage of Optimus Prime and Juicy Juice. Nevertheless, his tenure there lasted nine more years, earning several Best of Guhnette Awards for "breaking news" stories on the city's previously non-existent dinner theater beat. G. Gordon's commitment to dinner theater coverage – and sexual favors for all cast and crew who'd have him -- earned the Post Dealer a prestigious Hank Fermans "Let There Be Music!" Award, which hadn't previously been given out to anyone since most reputable newspapers in the country refused to cover shitty dinner theaters so extensively.

The one-of-a-kind honor earned G. Gordon a promotion at the age of 15 – one year earlier than planned, which according to his mother, Janet, "totally ruined his 16th birthday present" -- to executive vice president at Guhnette Headquarters in Alexandria, Va. It's there that G. Gordon began to impress his fellow companymen, most notably through the development of the Scratch n' Sniff front page, a first-of-its-kind innovation that gave readers stories with words, pictures and aromas. However, the initiative did not believe in accurately capturing the real scent associated with stories, but instead, utilized five predetermined smells handpicked by G. Gordon. For instance, when the page debuted in the Lansing market, a story about a convicted sex offender who molested 12 boys was paired with one of G. Gordon's favorite childhood scents, grape Laffy Taffy. According to G. Gordon, being forced to cover hard-hitting, depressing news about sex offenders wasn't conducive to "keeping paying customers feeling happy," so if it had to happen, he was insistent on giving readers something that brought unequivocal joy to his life.

Further convinced that well-researched journalism and fresh story ideas weren't enough, G. Gordon continued to push the envelope by dismissing 90 percent of low-level Guhnette journalists for the cost-cutting, and subsequently profitable, Mad-Libs Doctrine of 2005. Guhnette front pages were replaced nationwide with stories that only covered half the news, "with the other half to be filled in by its equally creative subscribers." G. Gordon believed interaction with the reader should be a newspaper's primary objective, and the Mad-Libs Doctrine was a widespread success, allowing readers not to mourn the deaths of 15 people in a local school shooting, but rather, to embrace the highly imaginative story of how "an elephant" killed "a large spider" in a packed cafeteria, before "eating" a "fuzzy" "peanut butter sandwich" and taking "a nap" as emergency "three-horned trolls" evacuated "Paul McCartney" from the building.

With his rise up the ladder looking all but complete, in December 2007, a federal prostitution wiretap revealed (among other things) that like, Billy Madison before him, G. Gordon had never successfully graduated from high school. A public outcry by self-righteous former Guhnette employees followed in the 24-hour news cycle, and G. Gordon was forced to temporarily fall on the sword to appease the angry mob. Thanks to his father's connections, the plan was for him lay low as the newly appointed head of Homeland Security under the Bush Administration as he rebuilt his reputation before sliding into a high level position with his family's company in a year. However, in a rare moment of clear conscience, G. Gordon defied expectations by choosing to roll up his sleeves so he could gain real journalistic credibility at a small news outlet. That only lasted a day when G. Gordon was fired after offering to blow a homeless man for a quote, so instead, he became involved with VH1's latest reality show, "Who Wants to Be a Celebrity USA Tomorrow Journalist?" Having eaten 10 more buffalo testicles than the nearest competition – Jared from those "Subway" commercials and Donald Rumsfeld – G. Gordon walked away with the top prize, a lifetime stint with USA Tomorrow News – or at least a job until he's replaced by Season Two's eventual winner, David Hasselhoff.