USA Tomorrow began as most publications do, with a sign from God.

Not just any sign or one telling us to sacrifice our first born but one telling us we would do great things and advise the people of Earth in a way the Bible never could — in translation, create a publication and you will rake in the dough from the poor and needy.

Created in 1969, the first publication printed was highly discredited for its complete lack of accuracy. The editors, including founding editor Bradshaw Banks, went back to the drawing board and after accuracy continued to falter, sinking lower and lower with each passing year, all seemed lost.

It wasn’t until 2007, when credibility hit an all-time low and staff numbers dropped significantly from dementia and suicide that Banks had an epiphany. “We should be basking in our lack of credibility, not faltering in it!” Banks said at a staff writer’s funeral.

From then on, USA Tomorrow has taken pride in providing America with the finest inaccurate, completely garbage, not-even-entertaining news of the future. With the motto, “News so new, it hasn’t even happened yet,” USA Tomorrow has rebuilt itself taking advantage of the mindless, moronic assholes of the United States.

Having to rebuild the staff — through careful psychoanalysis and an endless supply of antidepressants — USA Tomorrow is on the cusp of being back in business.

Thanks for visiting and come back often as we continue to add content shat straight out of our brilliant minds.

Staff

The staff of USA Tomorrow is comprised of only the best of the best… although a few racists and sex offenders may have slipped in unintentionally.Read about our bunch of misfits.

• B. Nasal McDrunkenscamp
• Bradshaw Banks
• Bucky R. Lord
• G. Gordon Guhnette
• Lewellyn "Luood" McBake
• Lincoln Loghouse
• Neal Wiggles
• Odessa Shirasoosamakia
• Peterson Anderson
• Sam Beaumont
• Tami J. Pohnn
• Toby O'Notterby
• USA Tomorrow Staff